dunedain-srk.net/stardust-september-1991/
Sandi, translated to English via google. The article I found was in German, with some nice pics. Hope this is ok.
July 6, 2008 at 12:04 Dunedain
18 Comments
Stardust September 1991
Will Shah Rukh Khan's intensity burn him out?Nishi Prem
I feel as if I had received a blow on the head. I do not know how to tackle this interview. I could probably tell you that Shah Rukh Khan is the new boy in the industry, who had made two television series or maybe three and now makes films. He has been committed by Hema Malini for her first directorial venture 'Dil Aashna Hai', Rakesh Roshan for 'King Uncle', by GP Sippy for 'Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman', Lalit Kapoor for 'Deewana', of this and that for this and that and so on and so forth. He could be a big star, he could not.
I could tell you that it comes from Delhi, it is twenty-five, he lost his father when he was fourteen and his mother six months ago. He has an older sister who is a psychiatrist and a friend in Delhi that does not agree that he is working on films and their parents are allergic to the idea of a marriage between her daughter and an actor.
He was invited by Vivek Vaswani to Bombay and has not looked back.
I could think of an intelligent beginning, fill a jagged end and the rest with his quotes. And it would not be the first time that I would do it. Describe his looks, his brown eyes clear that dimpled smile, the thick, tousled long hair, which struck him repeatedly in the face and his hands, which are constantly in motion, in order to underline back. He said this, this and this. He smiled. He said the objective. He grimaced. He replied. He screamed. And my article is finished. Before I get on to something else. Only I can not this time move to edit it. I can not bring myself to add to decorate, to comment on the meeting or to report it. I can not be confined to a procedure of this experience.
I'm afraid what words I also always use, I will only diminish, not increase. Eloquence is sometimes lyrical, sometimes forceful, but always an exaggeration and always a projection. One explanation is and I admit that, although I myself am an author, a weight - a way of looking at something. I can give no statement about a fact without many other things to omit it, which are also true. You can admit it, I do it all the time. But I met never on something so ... so ... No, I can not describe it. How can anyone describe something you never met before? The words that come to my mind, sound too clichéd for something so tangible.
It's not as if I've never met people who are emotional, sentimental, angry, sad, heartbroken. Are not we all sometimes once? And not the Stars? But how many of us can break social and moral bonds and accept our weaknesses? How many of us can this old fear of what is to say 'shake and oppose the accepted norms of human life to the world? How many of us have the courage to speak our mind and our heart? People have such a fear of just being what they are. Formality, inhibition, conditioning, decency, these are mere excuses for the lack of courage. And lack of conviction. Because if you like to be their safe and resting in yourself, you can also indulge in, to face into the wind. And yet, to be sure.
Maybe I know than what I can Shah Rukh Khan. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull (Jonathan Livingston Seagull). The always wondered why the other gulls do not wish to fly higher. Why they did not even try to achieve greater, unknown heights. They did not even attempt. Why they had so readily accepted the fact that this was the most that they reach and the fastest they could fly? Why had they drawn boundaries for yourself? Why was it always so necessary, only to do what you should do and only what had become the norm?
"I do not understand why you want to interview me? Why do you write about me? This is not a TV magazine that writes about TV stars. I surfaced until now only on the TV screen. The movies have just crossed my path. I mean, I would understand it if already one of my films had been released and even if it was a failure - I saw so bad from the fact I played bad and everything was wrong - then you would have something to write about me , Good or bad, it would make sense. At this moment you are only interested in me because six big guys like GP Sippy, Rakesh Roshan and Hema Malini have committed myself. These are supposedly known banners and if they have Shah Rukh Khan committed he may be a star. I mean, nobody draws only my personal skills into consideration. Nobody even thinks about it to see if these guys are talented and well. I could build the biggest crap here. Maybe six people were easily deceived by the way I look on TV. And movies are somehow a completely different scene. There are 70 mm. It is different. I am quite concerned about what I'm doing here. This is completely different from television. I have such a Sch ... like never done before. Could be, I'm not the right guy for it.
But it's damn funny that just seems to be a criterion enough the fact that six prominent guys have taken me under contract. But I do not want to be known for something. Why should I? Good, bad, average, I would want to be known for what I am.
Ten directors call me in a day, not because they are a Sch ... interested in what for an actor I am, but only because of this assumption if of and committed myself, I must be good. It makes me laugh.
In fact, I find the whole system pretty weird, you know. I shot last month in Bombay. And suddenly there guys who keep my cup of tea, tie my shoelaces, holding an umbrella over my head? Why? I'm not a damn idiot. I tied my shoelaces before I came to the movie, I will bind them even now. I remember someone saying to me, when the air conditioner in my makeup room does not work, I should throw a tantrum. On the other hand, the producers will begin to regard me as a matter of course, he said. What is a Sch ..., man? I guess there is a custom here. I mean this thing that about seven people run after an actor, why does he need it? But it should be done that way. In Hollywood, there is the concept of Spot Boys (messenger boys) do not.
They are so dependent. I have actors and actresses seen that over the people behave so funny around them. You have no respect for people. It seems that these stars are just came here to earn some money, and important to make a reputation and fame itself. Acting is matter. They do not understand the concept of acting. I mean that there is no concept. It is now a fad when I Like fellow, if I let tie my laces through a Spotboy when I like to pose for photographs, then I'm a star. Or I should be a star. And he will einverdammter Star.
Hey, but what about a little acting. I mean, where is their professionalism? Enjoy the benefits, fine, but what about meeting the expectations? I'm not saying that I am the chosen one of a few specific gods or something, but whatever are my skills, I'm here to play. That sounds very ... I mean everybody is here to play, what the hell ... But what I mean is, I'll come, will do my job and leave. Done. It may sound as if I'm going to be influenced too much by Hollywood and deduce things from foreign films and foreign actors. But I try not to emulate them. I want to be a Dustin Hoffman, I distance myself for a year and say I'm going to study this role and then make the movie after my discretion. No. I'm just trying to say that I will not take care of the trimmings that with this profession Along Come. I will not go astray and lose me like the others in this world. I want to stay with the reality in conjunction. I myself will stay with me.
I have a private life. I have friends, a girlfriend, uncle, aunt, sister. And they are the most important people in my life. So I read somewhere, I think it was in 'Stardust', like a guy said that he gave his wife because of his career. My work is important to me than my wife or as a Sch ... Was it Deepak Malhotra? Love them and leave, he said. Come on, man, you talk like a fing ... A, man. And then to make public ... I mean, to put the fact to show that you sleep with her and leave it as strohdumm one can be, anyway? What about the moments that you shared with this woman?
And I really do not understand this great Sch ... on the victims of this and that for my career. I mean, why can not you have both? Why do you look for excuses for neglecting your family or wife or girlfriend? And even if you have been neglecting your personal life for your professional, what makes you so proud? You have no right to hurt people you love and make a fuss about it, like a damned prig. How ridiculous.
The fact is that most of these actors are too busy with themselves to even think of anyone else. They are related to themselves - and it is very easy to get carried away in this profession - that they have no time and space for anyone else. It is called narcissism. Most people here are like that. My makeup room is their world and flatterers her family. They are cut off from reality. Lose yourself in the world. I wish that that never happens to me. And if they do, it will be very sad.
Things are always like me in the womb. I was born into a well-off family. I had a good childhood. A good education. St. Colombus. Very Irish. Very accurate. The College was also good. At school again many awards. For studies and sports. I was first in economics, I played cricket on zone- and national level. Football, hockey, work. I went to the theater. I started with mass communication - ie Filmmaking. I made this for a year, then I left it. I got into television series. And before I knew it, I was offered films. Before I knew it, I was a hip newcomers. There is a saying that I recall to my mind very me. This works if you, whatever comes towards you, just do not mind think that you could be on the wrong path.
And at this stage of my life I really consider anything important enough for me to get my life into disarray throwing. I can not and will compromise on my life at any price. I do not think that for me something is worth more than myself. And I called my friends, the people I love and who love me. On the one hand I have nothing to regret if you look at it in this way, then what the loss of their parents? But it makes a big difference for a person who is what he is because of his parents. I mean, it's very cliché sounds to say that I am what I am because of my parents. You have not helped me professionally. But they gave me love, warmth and friendliness. Sometimes people find that I am very sweet and nice with the people that I like. But that's the way I have been treated. I have been treated kindly. So I treat people very friendly.
My mother was always very proud of me. In their eyes I was the best and I had begun to believe that. Mother gave me this feeling. And when she died, I suddenly realized that basically I was not the best. I was nothing special. A nobody. It was her biggest dream to see me on the big screen. She did a lot for me. And no one on this earth would have done as much. Okay, it's a very subjective point of view, because it is my mother. But they worked hard. My father died when I was fourteen. She was young and beautiful, but she sacrificed everything for their children. And what they achieved in the end?
I was young, when my father died. I did not cry at his death. I cried when my mother died. It was very strange ... very emotional ... I do not ... I still can not get over it ... I could now begin to cry ... it's like I was shooting for Mani Kaul film in Goa and got a call that she was doing no good , That was in February this year. I said that I wanted to talk to my mother. They said that they had brought them to a nursing home. I came by the nursing home, I talked to her. That was ... I mean, it was the first time in my life that I wept with anyone. There was Rajesh, a friend of mine and people from the film. They had accompanied me to the telephone booth.
And I say hello ammi, and she said 'haan Shah Rukh kaise ho.' (How are you?) I said okay and she said 'Achcha dinner pe le kar aa jao Dr. Mani ko!' So I said, haan? She repeated, 'Tum aa rahe ho na Dr. Mani ko le kar dinner pe'. I did not know what to say because I did not know that there is a Dr. Mani was that there cares about them. And I turned here with Mani Kaul, she was totally confused. She was not quite all here in this moment. Stunned or whatever ... and that was the saddest event, the saddest moment of my life. I just rushed back. I told these guys that I go. If they could turn without me, well and good, and if not, I'm sorry. I had to go. They were really nice. They got me a ticket and put me on a plane.
I came back to Delhi. When I returned, she seemed to be okay. About three days later, I decided one night just to bring them to the hospital. The doctor took her straight to the ICU. She was there for days. And they said it would be all right. I do not know what happened next. It simply would not stop ... and the scariest part is that you do not give up hope, even if you know that ...
My father had cancer, but we never gave up hope that he would be alright. And here she was, and I was ... I was around her, got drugs. Doctors from London, Bombay. Medicines, injections of here and there. For this, I owe Vivek (Vaswani) something. I had just met him professionally and he was a friend, he helped me to procure medicine from abroad. I am very grateful to him.
I remember the ICU, she sat up in bed and had this blank look in her eyes, she was a beautiful woman, very nice. And they maintained this stare with wide-open eyes and mouth geschürztem. Her teeth were all fallen out. I told Mummy, you'll be well again. You'll come to me in order. I'll make movies. My series appears (Circus stood before the release this week). And that night the doctor came, that bastard, I hated him, he said 'woh tumhari mummy ko saans chad rahi hai, humein nahin kya karna hai abhi maloom.' I hurried down. The other doctor was in a conference. He asked me to procure some injections. I ran all over Delhi. I was really desperate. I could not raise it. I had only four, the doctor needed twenty.
I am an atheist. I do not believe in god. But I think that was the night that I prayed for the first time. I prayed in Arabic. They gave me something from the Koran and said, repeating that. If you repeat it five thousand times, God listens to you. And over all the way I did it. I came back and my uncle asked me angry, 'Where were you. You should not go at this moment.' He was angry and cried. He said to me that Mummy did not have long to live. So we ran up and the doctor told me, Shah Rukh, your mother has to live no longer than six hours'. I thought that he did not understand his job. He knew nothing. I said that she will not die, I'll talk to her. And I went to her.
She lay there between an amount ventilators and hoses. I asked the doctor, are you sure that she will die. He said yes, there was nothing anyone could do. That was the worst moment. You know that someone dies and just sit. I have so often seen in movies. But the reality is so much more ... You sit down and there's this line on the electrocardiograph and wait for it to stop. It is called Flatline (zero line). And there is your mother, too young to die and hope that a miracle will prevent them to go. The last few hours I sat on the headboard of her bed and held her in my arms. I said to her, listen, you can not die, because I will be very sad. You can tell me not die, you can not go ... you love me ... And you have not seen my new series. Many foolish things ... that sound stupid now. You have not done that, you have not done that. Very dramatic very filmimäßig ...
There was no drama in their death. Her eyes were open, she just looked at me and then suddenly she closed her eyes and simply died. At that time I did not cry. The tears came later, when I buried them. And then there was me somehow feel that I was not so important at the end. No one is important. Just as I say that this is not a big deal. I do not mean that as an insult. I just mean that nothing is permanent.
Even today, when I turn, I know ... that I now do not have this kind of confidence in me. Today I do not know. I can not respond to a lot of things. After a situation like this you can not make in life more. After nothing is important, what happens to me in life. People who are close to me, should understand that I need it, but can I go to anyone and say I need you looking. Because there is this part of me that wants to need anyone. I want to depend on anyone. I depended on my mother ...
I want to be dependent on anything anymore. Not even of my career. There is no longer the certain ambition that was present. I mean, whatever you do, I mean, you can be an Amitabh Bachchan or the President of the United States, but in the end you have to go. So what is it about this great cause to be someone. Be yourself. Just as you want. There is no goal to reach.
It does not bother me to give me a special effort to give people what they want from me ... people who are close to me ... because I want to hurt anybody. But I do not want it. I mean you do not push me. I can give you what you want, you can also love, but I live only for myself. Maybe it's the wrong attitude, but what the hell, who cares. I do this wrong, I'm doing this wrong. They are arrogant, yes I am arrogant. I do not care how you think of me. What matters is that I ... not happy, but am satisfied with myself. And the people around me who are close to me, should understand that. If they do not, it will make me even sadder. That's all. I can not explain it to them. I do not know if my words make much sense. I can tell no one, look, it's not that I do not need you, but I have to be myself anymore. I love you and I will continue, I listen to what you say, but now I need distance.
Everything happened so fast. I turned; I went back, my mom died a few days later I came to Bombay. I signed my first film, then the second, the third. And then there is to keep as much in mind in Delhi. Our restaurants, our business, property matters. And at the same time I will require in Bombay. I feel cornered. You know that I did not even get time to process my mother's death. I want to savor it. I do not know if you understand what I mean. I want to shout it out. And I can share with anyone else. You can share your sadness with anyone. You love me, you worry about me, but you can never understand the extent of my sadness. It is not a nice situation. It's pathetic. But I'm in it and I have a coward to do anything about it too much. I put in there. And I will not say that these experiences have helped me in any way. If you say that it makes you a more mature man, if your parents die young ... that's all nonsense. This makes it not. It makes you just terribly sad. And lonely.
Please understand me. If you love me, stay with me. If you leave me, it hurt me even more. It will contribute to my sadness, yet I can not help it. I can not turn to you and say, please stay with me. I've learned to live alone. Even if I try, I can not be the way I was.
It's very ironic. All I wanted for my mother or achieve myself, I speak, but I do not have the people, for which I had wished to do. And the people for whom I do it, now some of them are not happy with the fact that I'm doing it. I am not happy because they are not happy. That is why it is such a ... It is a very painful thing. If there is a God and if he can do that, then he can do anything. And I'll make sure that someone just stands for.
They know that the people away from the industry have a very strange image of the film industry. And probably you changed the profession. It is a strange world. Many people come here too early. Many people come in, without knowing much about where they got into. There is a large screen, which has the additional attraction to give you a higher level of glamor, fame and money. And you are in the middle. Since there is a fixed set of rules to follow.
An actor should be able themselves to tear apart objectively. And on the day on which it ceases to do so, it is entirely artificial. He falls so much in himself that he can not see anything other than itself. He can listen to any criticism. And people will not criticize him because he is too big. It's really not his fault. It is completely surrounded by flatterers. And it is so dependent on them. He comes in the morning. Turning, turning, turning. And there is praise and even local vending. Fifty guys walk on the sets behind you. Eighty million people want to see your movie. You're a big star. You stand on a plinth, so you can not just walk away, you can look down only from there to the people. They are like a fing zombie. You trust anyone. If I'm nice to this guy, he will take advantage of me. They are schizophrenic. I'm a star, I'm a star.
But you're not a star. They are in fact of all these A controlled ...; They are controlled by your own image. You are guided on what people think of you, not what you think of yourself. You do not even know what you think about yourself, because it's been so long since they have addressed a thought to himself. They led a superficial life.
In six years, when people stop thinking about you, you are a nothing. And you will understand it myself, but until then you have lost. You're just an invention; a conjured in the minds of other people's image. And you thought that you were God.
I see a lot of these demigods to struggle and fight to cling to it. They refuse to admit that it's over. Hey, why leave me my makeup artist? He was a bastard anyway. They consider themselves continue to fool and then you access to the drinks or womanizing. Find strange valves for your frustrations. I want to always be with myself in conjunction and consider this profession as any other.
That is the reason why you will find that the first films of almost all newcomers are always big hits. Because there still exists seriousness. There is this enthusiasm to do something. But gradually as an actor to climb the ladder. The first hit and then the second and third. He starts around the flattery around him to believe. He comes to this stage, where it is to mime. And if his films begin to go wrong, he begins to blame it on anything except his slovenly representations. My clothes were not right. My hair was not right. It was against any manipulation from the camp. Why do not you admit that you have lost in reality the vigor and you want to rest on your past laurels?
I hope that I will always look at movies as movies and real life as such, and they do not like most of these guys mix will. I mean, why do not they just stay normal and do not learn from history, that in the end everything is impermanent. Everything will perish one day. Why your life cling to it. That is why it is so important to me that I am objectively. I should be able to speak, to talk, to interact, to talk to people, I should be able to leave this world, if I want it. Not to be enslaved them.
I stand on the threshold of a great career. And I found it all in your lap. Everything just happens. I do not know what is right. Whether I should go back to the people who are important to me and not to lose myself in my work. Will I be unhappy if I continue to do this and they leave? I dont know. I know that I want to play. It's the only life I know. I can not run my restaurant or other business. I can only play. And at the same time I do not want to lose the people I love, which are so important to keep my sanity. I can not make up my mind. And I know if this decision I make is good, it will pay off for me with a lot of positives. If it is bad, I'll pay for it with a lot of sadness. And I do not know how much longer I can bear.
I once thought that I could conquer the world. I no longer trust. I just feel helpless. I thought I would save my mother. I could not do it. It was not in my hands. I did my best. Nothing worked. In the end there is a power which has replaced me. And that is obviously superior to me. Suddenly in them arises the feeling that you are facing a vast sea, you are on the coast and realize how small you are. And if you realize that you are small, it is pointless to reach for the moon. Yes I want to play very much. I want to play in movies, making films, produce, direct them. If I do not sound too wrong, I adore acting as an art. It is an art form for me. And I want to hit it really big. Even if I do not, I'll probably hang around to make small inexpensive films. But I'll play. Even if I have to do it in front of the mirror.
But there is a saying that says, do not jump too high and reach for the sun ... or rush anything, because if you jump too high, you will send only the sun ko. I mean, at the end you knock on and no one is home. I do not want that one takes them. I do not know ... I do not know at the moment. I just hope that I am sincere in what ever I do. For as long as there is honesty, not all is lost. "
